Dating and sex diary 1.

I am starting this diary to tell everything. To people, I can’t be perfectly honest and not hurt them, but to you I will tell everything.

I guess the reason I started this was because I have a boyfriend. Chris Carpenter. He doesn’t want me telling my friends everything about what we do and I have trouble doing that, so I figured I could tell you instead of my friends.

Well, lets see, where do I begin? The beginning, of course. I was in work on 9/24/88 on Saturday. I had offered sex to a boy in my algebra class and ended up telling him what a fool I made of myself–then I go around and ask him! And when he said no, I dared him to call home and stay later in work. Still, I was confused. Why would he say no? Sure, I’m no great prize, but not many girls are willing to do that!

I realized that I had lost respect for myself and that I was tired of being me., which I told him when he asked why I offered. The next weekend, I got his phone number and called him to ask him if he liked me or now (boy, was I really that daring?) It was lucky though, because he said he did.

The next Saturday, he came over my house after work. It was a dreary, rainy day, but we went out anyway. We walked down to the pond and from there, I brought him to my field. Its on Castle’s old property, with a thicket in the corner, next to the stream, and a pine tree in the center. I got a scare, we found the skeleton of a deer near the thicket. All this time, he hadn’t kissed me and it bothered me. We went to the clubhouse from there, and just sat down. Finally I said, “I’ve got something I want you do to.? He answered “what?” and I said back softly, almost pleadingly, “Kiss me?”

He leaned over and gave me a kiss, then we sat there and French kissed for nearly a half an hour! We went back to the house until he had to leave. We worked Monday and every time we had to go to the upper greenhouse, we stopped for a few seconds to kiss. During lunch break, we thought Lance had left, we went into the chicken coops and out to see the geese. He was working in the greenhouse, we left really quick. We went down around the west greenhouse in back where no one could see and spent a while there. Arlene was sleeping when we got back!

The next Saturday was surprising. We didn’t get together that weekend, but we had kissed during a 15 minute break for over 20 minutes! Now I’m up to Wednesday. U had gone over his house. Boy is it beautiful, especially the balcony overlooking the living room. We went for a walk in back of his house, and ended up in this cornfield. At one side there was a gravel pit. We sat on the edge for awhile talking and kissing. Then where he scorched the grass (long story) then on a log near the edge. (we were trying to make our way back) then on some hay in the field. When we were here, he told me he liked my hair long. I was glad. I forgot to add the Saturday Arlene was there, he told me he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. It hurt a little (liar, it hurt a lot) but I wouldn’t let him know. I laughed it off and said “did I look like I was ready for marriage?” oh, yes, back to the field; we made it back through the woods when I asked him why he turned me down. He told me he wanted to but he respected me too much. (I definitely made it hard for him when I dared him!)

When we got back I asked him if we could go to this grandparents, but he said now.

This really hurt me too, but again, I didn’t say anything. So we were up in his room looking over car magazines. I asked him what homework he had. He checked and said he didn’t have any so I stayed an extra hour. I ate dinner there. Before Christ warned me they said grace which was good (that he told me I mean) After dinner, we were up in his room, I was lying on his bed and we were kissing for about 3/4 of an hour. I sure hope he didn’t catch my cold.

That was all except that he liked the bracelet I made him.

p.s. I won’t promise to write in this every day because I’m not in the habit of making promises I can’t keep.

Dear Diary, 10/21/88

Boy did today suck! I forgot to read Tale of Two Cities so I failed the quiz (I think) then I retook the french test–bomb! Algebra test I know I got a 0 out of 30. To top that off, Mom told me when I got home that Linc and Arlene know about Chris and me! Chris’s going to have a shit fit. Then she told me that Linc was going to get on my case for forgetting to turn the mists back on! Today is my DAY! I’ll finish later after Chris calls. But first I want to copy this poem I found on a postcard in Sackett’s:

Only as high As I reach can I grow Only as far As I seek can I go Only as deep as I look can I see Only as much As I dream can I be- Karen Ravin

Later-

Damn! Today is rally my day. I think Chris caught my cold, but either way he is sick, so I can’t talk to him. I hope he’ll be okay cuz I know I hate being sick. Sunday is supposed to be rainy so we probably can’t go to the cliffs even if he was okay. If he goes to work tomorrow I’ll ask. The only bad thing is that I can’t warn him that Linc knows. Life is a Bitch! If he calls back I’ll write more, if not, well bye

Chris didn’t call, but I remembered something I wanted to write, Mom told me something about Arlene. Arlene was married to John it seems and they had gotten divorced. After a period of time, john came back and Arlene took him. They’ve been living together since (3 years) every year he leaves her though. Sounds like a soap opera, huh? Well. Later.

Dear Diary, 10/22/88

Life sucks!

Chris didn’t come to work today. Lianne told me this poem that I like

I may not always tell you Exactly how I feel; but the love I have for you Will always be real. You mean so much to me- More than you will know; And I will always love you Wherever you may go So when your days are really rough And you don’t know what to do Remember these words I am saying now I will always care for you.

I’m upset (right) I’m miserable and I’m depressed . Help! I miss Chris, I’m sorry he’s sick, I’m bored (naw, me, bored? must have me mixed up with someone else.) I’m miserable because I know Chris doesn’t care for me the way I care for him, and I’m afraid he’ll get tired of me and break up with me. I’m afraid I’ll fail my classes, that I’ll fail at everything (including life) It hurts me that mike doesn’t care as much as I do, I mean it hurts a lot.

You know what diary? My life sucks.

I nearly lost my job today. Chris was sick, I’m not doing anything this weekend. This morning I weighed myself…89 pounds! I lost 5 lbs, gross! I weighed myself again around 4…92! I’ve eaten that much- talk about wallowing in self pity.

Later,

I feel better.(mentally, physically, I feel worse-my cold is worse!) coughing like crazy. I was extremely lazy and didn’t do a thing. (except read listen to music ans tuff my face) that’s all I guess for today. Bye

Dear Diary, 10/23/88

I smell a fish! I called Chris and his father said he was out shopping at the mall with a friend. Sick my foot! I wouldn’t’ have midned if he just said, “I don’t want to do anything this weekend! Ihave wash to finish. Later.

Well, we were going to go to the Diamond mall but It was too late when we left so we went to Westbend mall. I looked for Chris, but I didn’t find him. He probably already left. I got 3 tapes and a record and got Katie’s present.

I called Chris. I told him about a magazine I saw that was just about sports cars (or was it special cars?) he said he’d check it out. He said he got a new tape and 2 new magazines. He went to the mall with his sister’s boyfriend, sooo I didn’t tell him I was mad, okay, slightly jealous? Oui, Madame! All right, I had better get to bed. Bye!

Dear Diary, 10/24/88

I did fail all my tests! But I got a 5 instead of a zero on my algebra and I got a 4 in English and got a 52 (a 52? A 52! You idiot!) On my french test funny thing is Amy got a 54 and Mme. Riese told HER she needed help after school!

Now isn’t that ironic! I’ll write later when I have more to say. Chris isn’t home so I haven’t talked to him. Weather lately has been Horrible! This weekend had better be nice. U’m hoping Sunday we can go to the cliffs. Saturday after work we’re going to the mall. (Diamond or Ridgefield, mom isn’t sure yet.)

I have some sort of rash on my face, cuz its itching like crazy. Gotta go now, later!

Dear Diary, 10/25/88

Today was much better. I got a 83 on my chem. Test- I did even better than Marie! Then I got a 20 out of 20 on my algebra test and tied with Jared! Chris is at a friends house so if he calls I’ll write more later.

Dear Diary, 10/26/88

I just finished talking to Chris. Can you believe he knows all you know? I read him this. (Yes, I am crazy) the play was fantastic (I never thought Shakespeare was sucha comedian) [Midsummer Night’s Dream] I talked to Polly while waiting for dad to pick me up. She liked the poem I wrote:

The romantic things you say and do Endear you to my heart And because I love you I hope we’ll never part. For my darling that I care More than words can say You and I are the perfect pair And I hope we’ll stay that way.

In Hartford, we were an hour early so we could do what we wanted. Chan and I went downtown to a mall, which is next to G Fox and Sage Allen. That was fun. Chris told me he bought that magazine. He said it was good. This really hurts. Yeah it bothers me but it gets worse when I realize that it isn’t really (I mean it is but he can’t help the way he feels) fault. Like Phil Collins says “you can’t hurry love”. I told Chris he ought to be privileged to read this (well, hear it) he said it was mainly about him anyway. Hah! That’s the reason why! Most people wouldn’t let other people know how they feel. That’s my big problem. I show too much–then people step where they please. Katelyn doesn’t bother me anymore. Its like she does’t like me, but a familiar face is better than none.

The newspaper’s getting nowhere-fast. We better hurry! I asked Chris if he wanted to do anything. He said his normal response, “I don’t know” I asked him about going to the cliffs, he replied, “Are you nuts?” I retorted “I thought I already told you I was crazy.” I’m getting tired (too much in one day) bye bye!

Dear Diary, 10/27/88

Its about 8:30. We had our Algebra test today. I read today that High Mountain Rangers is supposed to be back in January.

Chris wasn’t home. In CPR today, Josh asked how he was, I said he’s fine, then he asked have you had sex with him! I told him, quote, “That my dear, is none of your business.” He said I was two timing him (Chris) by calling him (josh) dear! Then he hasked ifwe’ve hissed. Beth broke in then ad said Josh wanted me and Josh said oh, yeah, I want your body, Michelle. I told him I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole.

Aunt Laura sent me some more Rose petals (dried this time) now I have 2 1/2 big jars or rose petals. I have to dry more apples too. Somebody recently asked me what it ws like, being in love. I told her it was like a roller coaster. One minute you’re up so high because you know he loves you and you love him and it’s such a good feeling (him love me? Well, not yet.) the next minute you’re as far down as you can go because you miss him. God is that True! I’ve got to go to bed. Swimming tomorrow (oh, brother) bye!

Dear Diary, 10/28/88

We’re still not sure about this weekend. I hope I will be ale to go to his house. I called him, but he was eating so he called me back. When we had to get off I asked him if he missed me–he said he couldn’t say. I asked him if his brother in law was there, and he said yes. I asked him to say yes he missed me, or no, he didn’t. He said yes. I got a 62 on my algebra test- I passed my English test and I think I did okay on my French test.

Its past 10 and I have to be to work by 8 so I had better go. But before I do…Linda and Lianne are now officially co-editors of the newspaper–Damn! Here I was working my ass off for nothing! Well, damn it, they can have the fucking position! Now I have free time to work after school if I damn please. Yes! It does bother me! They’ve known for over a god-damned month! They didn’t’ want to hurt my feelings (oh, please!) if that were true, they wouldn’t have done it in the first place! This was my last change for the academy. They didn’t realize that I needed something really good for my resume. I love Writing! Writing is one of the most important things that I do! It is one of the few that people respect me for. “Oh, you can still be Assistant Editor.” Big whoppdy-shit! Yeah, I’m pissed. I’ve wanted this for sooo long–well fine they can be that way, I’m sick of the whole damn school. When will they see me, and not what they want to think! I was this close to quitting the newspaper but I’ve worked too long and hard on this. Every damn last one of them can go to hell, including Lianne.

I feel much better. Linda’s like “don’t cry” damnit, I will if I want to. Maybe it isn’t that important to her, but it was to me. I’m not going to let them have the satisfaction of known how hut I am. Damn and these are supposed to be friends? Gotta go. Seeing Chris tomorrow.