Why Sex Is Not an Olympic Sport

Brian: Good afternoon. I’m Brian Gumball. Katie: And I’m Katie Cutetrick, broadcasting from Athens, Greece, site of the 2004 sex Olympics. Brian: Sex is just a demonstration sport this year, but the International Sex Committee hope to have it instated as a medal sport for 2008 in Beijing . NBC Sports is broadcasting from the male female venue, today. You can catch the male male venue on MSNBC and the female female venue on CNBC. Katie: The male-male and female-female venues are surprisingly popular among the local Greeks. Brian: Don’t forget, Katie, that the Greek island of Lesbos is only a few hundred miles from here. You may remember from college that the Platonic love that Plato wrote about in the Symposium is actual love between men and teenage boys. Katie: I did not read that. Maybe I was absent that day. Brian: Here in the male -female venue, we have teams competing from all over the world. To explain the rules and the history of the sex Olympics, Katie spoke with the president of the U. S. Sex Committee, actress Paris France. Katie: Paris, what are the rules for Olympics sex? Paris: Sex is a physical sport, like tennis or gymnastics. But it is also an artistic sport, like figure skating. We score the athletes for physical prowess and erotic passion. Katie: How do you score the physical part? Paris: Each couple has exactly fifteen minutes. They can score one point for each female orgasm and two points for each male orgasm during those fifteen minutes. A couple can try for multiple female orgasms at one point each, or they can try for two male orgasms in fifteen minutes. Katie: I know how to see a male orgasm, but how about a female orgasm? As we know, some women can act very convincingly. Paris: I never have. But to be sure, we have a sensor taped below the woman’s navel. It can reliably detect any orgasm a woman has. I have tested it. It works. Katie: What about the erotic passion? Paris: Passion is judged by a panel of seven judges, four men and three women. They rate the couple on spontaneity, innovation, and pleasure. Sex should be fun. We want the contestants to enjoy themselves. Katie: What are the rules for the contestants? Paris: Unlike many sports, we take amateur standing very seriously. Any man or woman who has engaged in professional sex is automatically disqualified. That includes acting in pornographic videos, as well as prostitutes, escorts, and gigolos. Also, we absolutely forbid any performance enhancing drugs, such as Viagra, as well as the usual steroids. We had to disqualify a top American team because he was using the Alpha Male pill. Finally, we like couples to have been together for at least six months. This is serious competition, not a quick hook up. Katie: How often do couples rehearse? Paris: Couples should rehearse often enough to have confidence and not performance anxiety, not so often that they lose spontaneity and freshness. Usually, couples rest for a day or two between performances, but that is really up to them. Katie: Thank you, Paris. And good luck to the American teams. Paris: Thank you. Brian: Now, we have the Russian team of Grabova and Grosskoff out on the bed. Katie: Irena Grabova and Dimitri Grosskoff have been together doing sex in competition for almost a year. They are very physical, but they may lack erotic style. Brian: They like to undress rapidly, and get down to business. Katie: They like to do oral sex first, so here they go. Brian: They seem to be very aroused. Katie: Grosskoff is about to cum in Irena’s mouth. That gives them two points. I think he came early. He might not have what it takes to get Grabova off in less then five minutes. Brian: Grosskoff finally got her off with his tongue. Katie: Irena is trying to get him hard again so he can have intercourse with her. But she has only three minutes left. Brian: Oops. There is the bell. Grosskoff and Grabova finish with three points. They also received 1.9 erotic style points from the judges, for a total of 4.9 points. That will probably not put them in the hunt for a medal. Katie: This just in. NBC news has learned that a coup is being attempted in the African country of Togo. The rebels have seized the radio, and changed the format from Top 40 to Easy Listening. * Brian: After they clean the bed, we’ll introduce the next team. Katie: The next team is from Italy, Maria Dolce and Andrea Forte. They are actually married to each other, lucky them. Although I hear they are not exclusive. They are considered one of the top teams who might medal at these Olympics. Brian: Dolce and Forte are wearing full fishnet body suits, through which you see everything. In addition they have some strategically placed holes for their sex organs. Her prominant nipples and large round breasts emerge from two of those holes. Katie: Look at the size of his member! And he’s not fully hard, yet. Brian: He will be soon. They are the bed in a side-by-side sixty-nine position. Katie: Maria seems to be devouring his penis. She’s going on him like a baby on a lollipop. He slurping her vagina like it’s an ice cream cone about to melt. Brian: Now he is on his knees. Maria has gripped his neck with her legs and is hanging up side down, with her mouth still engulfing his penis. However, her orgasm meter just went off, giving them one point. Katie: Andrea is shooting in her mouth. She is somehow able to swallow it all while hanging up side down. Amazing. Brian: He still hard, so he has lowered her onto her knees. Andrea has positioned himself behind her, so he can penetrate from behind. Katie: His size and effort is having its effect. She is having another orgasm. They have four points already. That guy certainly can ring my bell. Brian: We have to be professional about this, Katie. Take your hand out of your panties. Katie: You have a pretty bulge in your pants, yourself, Brian. Brian: Lets see what the judges are doing. They should be able to control themselves. My God. The Israeli judge is kneeling on the floor. He has the Egyptian judge’s abaya robe over her waist, and giving her clitoris a monster licking. And she seems to be enjoying every stroke. Katie: Doesn’t that violate Islamic notions of modesty? Brian: It’s okay as long as he does not uncover her hair. Katie: It looks as if the Japanese judge has her skirt up, and is sitting on the Chinese judge. She is bouncing on him, giving them both a good time. Brian: The German judge is bending over the French judge. He has his pants down, and his pawing her breasts. Her panties are at her knees, and he plowing into her, just like Forte is doing to Dolce. Katie: What about the American judge? Brian: He’s just jerking himself off. Americans believe in unilateral action. Katie: There is no reason why we have to be, Brian. Let me help you with that bulge in your slacks.

Announcer: Due to technical difficulties, we can no longer bring you the sex Olympics. We now join the women’s Marathon race, already in progress.

* Actual Bob Costas joke.