Ten Simple Swinger Facts

One, I am severely hung over. I knew that I’d drank like a fish last night because the hangover I’m experiencing, the one that had the insides of my eyelids feeling like sandpaper, is enough to make me consider stop drinking altogether.

Two, this is not my bed. My head is resting on a big soft pillow. The pillow case end, the part where you stuff the pillow into, that’s all lacey-like. The sheets are really soft and smooth. I don’t have a big soft pillow, lacey pillowcases or really smooth soft sheets.

Three, I’m naked and I’ve had sex – recently. My A.M. hard-on had that sore stretched tautness that follows lengthy if not always great sex (hopefully that memory will clarify before too long.)

Four, I’m pretty sure that the woman whose arm is draped over my chest and whose leg is inserted between mine is the one I had sex with. She’s also naked. I’m basing this on the delightful feeling of her soft breasts and hard nipples pressing into me. And that our skin seems to be stuck together at the hip.

Five, now I remember. Last night I had driven a co-worker home from an “End of the Quarter TGIF” party. She had invited me in for a cup of coffee that became instead an opened bottle of Tequila.

Six, she told me that her husband was traveling out of the country and wouldn’t return until sometime next week.

Seven, we’d commiserated with each other about loneliness and unmet desires.

Eight, oh yeah. The sex was both great and lengthy.

Nine, she’s waking. Sliding onto my chest, straddling my hips; guiding me into her.

Ten, my wife is visiting her sister; she won’t be home until Sunday evening.

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A Senior Moment by juanwildone

“Right like I’d forget that. Just dump it there. I’ll fold it all later.”

“Oh so now I’m incapable of folding clothes.”

“I didn’t mean that. Michael I know you didn’t want to housesit. But Grammy needs someone around. She’s getting so forgetful.”

“I know, it just we haven’t had sex since we got here. I mean c’mon Rach I know this place is small but – oh ho, what do we have here?”

“It’s a condom obviously and just why do you have one. I’m on the Pill asshole.”

“Asshole? What are you? – this isn’t mine.”

“Oh Please. Who are you fucking Michael? Is it that slut of a secretary of yours? Oh I know all about oh so efficient “Ms. Jacobs.” I nearly fell over her at your office Christmas party. She was doing some guy in one of the backrooms. So you decided to ‘evaluate her performance’ for yourself?”

” Evaluate her performance? I have never even touched my relationship with Sofia is strictly professional.”

“Oh so now its Sofia, is it? I guess that’s why…”

“Children please! I can’t hear my T.V. program with all this noise out here.”

“Sorry Gram. It’s just that…”

“Oh you found it. I was wondering where that got off too. The Senior Center is going to Las Vegas this weekend and a couple of the men are going to try that new French Viagra. I think it’s called ‘le weekender’ or something.

“Well if you don’t “BYOC”, that’s “Bring-Your-Own-Condom” you might as well stay home. Not that I can get knocked up anymore! You know dear, there just aren’t any good substitutes for a warm hard cock. And given the ratio of women to men I feel much safer with this. How do you kids put it? “No glove, no love.”

“Well good night sweetie. Thanks again, I’m just so forgetful.”

“Ohmigod. My Grammy is a swinger?”

“Forget your Grammy, what the fuck was that comment about finding Sophia in one of the backrooms? There’s a story a pretty wild story – going around about that party. Seems that some guy got it on with two women at that party. Just what the hell do you know about what happened at that party Rachel?

“Oh oh um, I forget?”