I’m a lesbian, you idiot!

“I’m a lesbian, you idiot!”

He shrugged. “I’m gay. The point is we both want children and our government is not friendly to same-sex couples adopting. So we make our own.”

“Ewwww.”

“Oh, don’t come all male-sex-is-rape on me. You had sex the night of your prom. You told me so.”

“I did?”

“When we finished paste-up on the Christmas issue and you got drunk because Darlene had to work late.”

“Oh.” She jabbed a finger at him. “But I didn’t enjoy it.”

“Not to put too fine a point on it, ducky, who cares? Babies. Children. That’s the point.”

“I’ll think about it.”

#

“All right, I’m in. Darlene and I talked.”

“Good. Steve is okay with this. Now, how do we divvy up the… the genes?”

“What?”

“Who’s with who?”

“Whom,” she corrected absently. “Draw lots?”

“The goal is two children, right? Each of you carries one?”

“Oh, such breeder terminology. Yeah, that’s what we agreed. Full visiting rights all around, though.”

“Then flip a coin to pick Steve or me, and Darlene gets the other.”

“Heads, Steve.” The coin bounced, rolled under the table. “I’ll get it. Heads.”

“Okay. Have you talked to your gynecologist about the artificial insemination?”

“Three hundred bucks per attempt, you pay.”

“I can’t afford three hundred. Per. What if it takes months?”

“Well, I can’t either. It was your idea.”

“Shit.”

“There is…the other way.”

He shook his head. “No. Steve wouldn’t ever go for it. Women are okay as friends, but the thought of you naked just disgusts him.”

“How tactful. Me personally or the entire female sex?”

“All of you. We had to stop using our favorite lube because a salesgirl told him it was like her. He got the creeps every time he squeezed it out.”

“Well, he’ll just have to lie back and think of England.”

“I’m telling you, nothing’s going to happen.”

#

“Nothing happened.”

“Told you.”

“He wouldn’t even undress. Averted his eyes and made gagging noises. Soooo mature.”

“Told you.”

“Yeah, you told me.”

“So.”

“Yeah. So.”

“I can still try with Darlene.”

“Um. I have a confession to make.”

“What?”

“She doesn’t want to–”

“She doesn’t want to have children?”

“No, that’s not it. She just doesn’t want to be first. She makes most of the money and her looks are important and she can’t be pregnant right now.”

“Yeah. Translated that means she doesn’t want to do it. Other things are more important than kids.”

“It’s not you.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, Steve wasn’t rejecting you personally. He was rejecting labia everywhere.”

“That makes me feel so much better.”

“You’re welcome. So that’s the end of that plan. Shit.”

“Shit.”

“I wanted kids. Shit.”

“Double shit.”

They sat silently.

“Um,” she said, and then she gazed deeply into her coffee cup for a long time. “Not that I want to be rejected again in the name of labia everywhere, but why aren’t you making the obvious offer?”

“To do you, you mean? With you, rather? Do it with you, I mean.”

“That pretty much covers the bases.”

He shrugged helplessly. Tears glittered in his eyes. “Because you picked Steve. You had to flip a coin. If you wanted to do it with me, you’d have picked me.”

She bit her lip. “Steve looks more like a girl. I lied about the coin toss. I figured I could imagine he was an adolescent girl.”

“With a really big clit.”

“A strap-on, actually. I like you more, really. But… I mean, you’re hairy. You practically have a pelt. Like a beaver.”

“I thought you liked beavers.”

“You know what I mean.” She gave a half-smile. “I hate that word ‘beaver.’ Cunt is much better.” She managed a laugh. “Hell, Steve’s prettier than I am.”

“He waxes.”

She took his hand. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“Anyway, I’d have liked to at least be considered.”

“I’ll think about it.”

She stubbed out her cigarette. “Oh.”

“By the way…”

“Yes?”

“I always preferred ‘fun hole’ — it’s generic and descriptive.”

She laughed.

#

“It’s off,” she said.

“What’s off?”

“Babies. Darlene and I are– Well, we’re splitting up.”

“Join me. Steve hasn’t said it yet but he’s got that look.”

“She found someone prettier who doesn’t want her to have a baby.”

“Steve’s probably finding some guy who won’t expose him to naked women.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry about Darlene.”

“Crap.”

“Double crap,” she agreed.

He poured drinks. “Fuck. Shit.”

“You’d have been a lousy influence on the kid. All that swearing.”

“But you would have corrected his grammar.”

“Or her grammar.”

“To the baby we’ll never have.”

“Skol.”

They tossed them down and he poured fresh ones.

“I told her I was fertile today and she left me.”

“Steve’s too chickenshit to leave until he finds someone.”

“To ex-partners.”

“Cheers.”

Another round of drinks followed.

“You know, you look pleasantly like a man.”

“You know, in another six drinks, you’ll still look like a gorilla. Albeit a female one.”

“Do you want a baby?” he said with sudden drunken seriousness.

“Do you know the first thing about pleasing a woman? Because if we have to do this more than once I want to get some fucking fun out of it.”

“I know it doesn’t go in the fun hole I’m used to.”

“Good enough.” She poured another drink. “Thank god gay guys always have lube.”

“Hey,” he said.

“What?”

“I love you.”

“Don’t go getting all girly on me.” But she was smiling.